The Diary of a Concussed

After leaving my hometown and everything I've ever known — my family, my friends and my permanent teaching position — this is the second thing that took the most courage to do. My name is Stéphanie Ranger and I'm sharing my story in hopes to raise awareness and shed some light on TBIs (traumatic brain injuries). I am a firm believer in using your voice to share your experiences in order to help others… so here goes nothing!

A concussion can be life altering and can turn your entire world upside down. The healing process can be very difficult to deal with, mainly because your injury is invisible to the world around you — and that can often lead to feeling as if one is exaggerating or faking it. No one should be made to feel that way. Throughout my healing journey, I've learned a lot; from life lessons to proper concussion management. After all, knowledge is power.

The Injury

I played competitive soccer at a regional level for the majority of my childhood and teenage life. I've had a long history of concussions and always found it easy to bounce back — from falling backwards into a wall, to hitting my head on the sidewalk, to falling from someone's shoulders at a music festival and ending up in an ambulance. I thought I knew what a concussion was.

My last concussion happened on February 21st, 2019. After accompanying students to our weekly ski trip, I reached underneath the coach bus to get the equipment out — and that's when my head collided with the coach bus compartment door. After the incident, I went home and immediately went to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the room started to spin and I wanted to throw up. The next day, I went to work in a fog. It took a few days for my symptoms to fully set in: a crushing headache, the room spinning, sensitivity to light and sound. I fought through the whole weekend, trying to convince myself I was okay. Looking back, I feel that I ultimately let myself down by pushing through the pain and ignoring it.

February 27th, 2019Je me sens tellement stupide! J'aurais pas dû aller à Toronto. J'ai empiré les choses je le sais. Je me suis jamais sentie comme ça mais tout va être correct. Je vais me reposer cette semaine et je vais être correcte la semaine prochaine.I feel so stupid! I shouldn't have gone to Toronto. I made everything 100 times worse… Major regrets! I feel like **** and my head feels like it's going to explode and I can't think straight and I'm scared. I'll stay home for a week, rest and be good to go by next week!

The Dark Days

I had a constant headache, my vision became blurry, I saw grey cloud particles everywhere, I couldn't walk for more than 10 minutes, I couldn't read or watch TV, and being in any store made me dizzy. Taking a shower felt like the hardest thing in the world. I was completely exhausted. All. The. Time. After a week off, I went back to work and was barely surviving my days — spending my prep period in my classroom with the lights off, door closed, crying.

March 6thJe suis dans ma classe les lumières fermées et je capote. Mon cerveau est enflé et je me sens comme s'il va exploser à l'intérieur de ma tête. J'ai peur d'avouer comment je me sens. Je pense ce qui me fait le plus peur c'est d'avouer à moi même que je ne suis pas OK!I'm in my classroom with the lights shut and I'm freaking out. My brain feels so swollen and it feels like it's going to explode. I'm so anxious and I'm scared to admit how I feel. I think what scares me the most is admitting to myself that I'm not okay.

On the last day of March break, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't control my emotions. I called my mom and asked her to drive me to the walk-in clinic — I couldn't drive anymore. After driving around Ottawa to several closed clinics, we decided to go to the ER. I showed up crying and couldn't even explain to the nurse how I was feeling. In tears, the only thing that came out of my mouth was "my head." The nurse looked at me and mumbled… "Okay I'll just write down mental health." "No! It's my head. I hit it. I have a concussion and I'm not okay."

Finding Help & Healing

That's when my coworker recommended me to see Asef Rhaman, a specialized concussion physiotherapist at ProPhysio & Sports Medicine Center in Ottawa. I remember the first time I met with Asef, I completely broke down. Finally, someone was an expert in concussions. He reassured me that everything I was experiencing was real, that I was really injured and that it was going to get better. He put me off work for a month. That was when my healing truly started.

April 21st, 2019Why am I not getting better? I'm doing everything right! I'm resting, I don't go out except for my appointments, I eat well, I drink my water, I take my supplements. I'm starting to feel really hopeless and I'm scared that I won't get any better. I want Steph back. I want my life back. It's been 2 months but I feel like I've been dead inside for 2 years.

Lessons & Moving Forward

Going through life and living with PCS is not an easy thing to do. You constantly plan your days and anticipate how your brain will be affected by different settings. What I've learned throughout my healing journey is that you are responsible for your healing — and no one will take the initiative to get better like you will. It is also crucial that you reduce your stress levels. Stress will worsen your symptoms. Find people who understand, believe you, and support you.

My life is completely different than it was a year ago, and I owe it all to my concussion. Even though it was painful and I still struggle daily with it, my concussion is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It helped me to completely shift my perspective on life and to focus on the important things. I've learned to appreciate life in the moment and to have compassion for myself and others. I've learned to enjoy every moment fully and trust that things will get better. There is beauty in simplicity and mindfulness. A flower doesn't grow without rain.

Don't sweat the small stuff and never give up on yourself. I promise that you will see yourself transform from victim to victor. On lâche pas!

— Stéphanie Ranger